apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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