Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
