I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
