just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
