got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
