Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
