No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Im just a social blackout drinker.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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