i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
