i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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