The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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