Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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