the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
