WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
