I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
