In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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