My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
