3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
