How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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