They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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