So drunk its hurt
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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