The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
