I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
