Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
