so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
