Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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