had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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