My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I looked at my own cervix.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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