You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
