When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
