Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
