I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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