I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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