If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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