The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
