matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
