I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
