Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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