So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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