you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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