I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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