I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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