I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
