Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
