it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
