a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
