Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
