remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
