I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
