you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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