Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
