dude i'm inner monologue high
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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