and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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