im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
