You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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