My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
