ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
