can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
